What makes a successful marriage? One of the most important aspects is friendship. Couples decide to marry based on a variety of reasons. However, many couples who marry make that decision by skipping over the critical aspect of friendship. 

Most of us desire companionship, and the desire to be loved. When we meet someone where the chemistry works, we get excited that this may be the person we are looking for. Based on attraction, the need for sexual intimacy develops, and the relationship feels wonderful. 

If the couple then chooses to be married, decisions are made and arrangements for the marriage begin. Once the marriage begins, it seems as if each person has reached their dream. The marriage may end up being a happy one, but others will end in divorce. There is no guarantee. 

The divorce rate in the US is highest among adults who are 25-39 years old. Most of these divorces happen within the first five years of marriage. The reasons for divorce are varied and cited in Forbes Advisor* as follows: 

Lack of Commitment– 75% of individuals and couples cited lack of commitment as the reason for their divorce. This was the most common cause of a marriage ending, exceedingeven infidelity. 

 Infidelity – 60% of Divorced Couples Cited Infidelity as a Reason for Their Divorce. 

Domestic Abuse- Prompts a Divorce in 24% of Cases. 

The following three were the next most common: 

Arguing and excess conflict- 58% of couples report 

Married too young– 45% of divorcing couples indicate  

Financial problems– 38% report as a divorce cause 

Unfortunately, many of the above reasons may only appear after a couple is married. In my 30 years as a Marriage and Family therapist, there are 5 relationship questions to ask yourself if you are currently dating or in a relationship which can give you needed information about your partner. 

  1. Reliability and Accountability- Have you seen evidence that your partner is reliable and is accountable for mistakes. 

 2. Honesty- Has the partner been genuinely honest with you? 

 3. Trust- Has your partner demonstrated through behavior and that they are trustworthy. 

4. Communication- We can communicate in our daily lives, however, in a relationship, everyone must use good communication skills to help avoid conflict with   misunderstandings and arguments. Many of these skills are not used in our daily communication.

5. Balance of Power- Do you feel there is a balance of power in your relationship? This is defined according to Marriage.com. “In an equal relationship, both partners should have an equal say, respect, and power.

 However, sometimes relationships can become unequal, with one partner having more control, decision-making power, and  influence over the other.”    

With these questions, you can only begin to really see who your partner is. Each person has their own values, beliefs, and who they are as a person that only with time can these become clear to the partner. 

Dating is only a beginning where the process begins, and takes time to learn what makes a caring, loving, reliable, accountable, honest, communicative person who demonstrates the way they consistently treat you as you deserve to be treated. 

Deciding to marry is not to be taken lightly, but rather a thoughtful and objective exploration to make as certain as possible that while you have been swept off your feet, that their love for you has been consistently demonstrated with their behavior and actions.  

Avrum Weiss,Ph.D wrote in From Fear to Intimacy 

The advantage of thinking of love as a behavior, rather than a feeling, is that you will be fooled less often. When I played basketball, the coach always told us that on defense you should focus on the other guy’s middle and not get distracted by what he does with the ball. 

The wisdom of this is that your opponent can fake one way with the ball and then go in another direction, but you can’t fake with your middle. Whichever way your middle goes, the rest of you is sure to follow. In this case, our words are the potential ball fake, and our middle is our behavior. 

If we don’t follow the ball, we are less susceptible to ball fakes and more likely to see how someone’s behavior is the clearest reflection of where their middle is headed. 

The founders of Imago Relationship therapy, Harville Hendricks, Ph.D. and Helen LaKellyHunt, Ph.D. offered this definition of Love. “Love is a behavior where the safety and welfare of the other is guaranteed. 

“When that consistently defines your partner over time without rushing into marriage, you just may have a Keeper!